As April Fool’s Day looms on the horizon, unspoken terror has taken up residence in the feeble minds of senior citizens across the country. Every year on this day of jokes and revelry there is a significant spike in the death toll among the elderly population. Nurses and grieving relatives attribute this phenomenon to the change of seasons, but those in the octogenarian group have their own theories. If you walk down the hallway of any nursing home this weekend, you’ll hear the trembling whispers and the silent terror. “shocking”, they will mumble to each other, “Shocksy is coming.”
No one really thinks twice when old people die of « natural causes, » especially when that natural cause is heart failure. But what if these seemingly routine instances of bad tickers were actually the result of something far more sinister? That seems to be the prevailing statement being circulated everywhere from shuffleboard courts and Ford’s Crown Victoria dealerships to the far reaches of the studio audience at The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. The ogre named « Shocksy » has instilled a sense of impending doom in the dilapidated caverns of these aging sacks of flesh.
According to popular folklore, Shocksy (who is definitely male and in no way connected to the author of this article) murders his intended victims through trickery. It is said that he will use his diabolical engineering skills to create electric shock devices that look deceptive. Shocksy’s high-voltage gags may be relatively harmless to the able-bodied, but to a frail wisp of a human who longs short of this world, his pranks are deadly.
Stories of a mysterious man emerging from the shadows to provide an electrified place for unsuspecting grandparents piece of chewing gum serve as a cautionary tale for vulnerable targets. “Watch out for the cell phone,” they squeal with anxious urgency. Shocksy is apparently known to use Phonesflashlights, penseven cigarette lighters to transport a deadly electric current into the body of its intended victim.
Precautions have been taken by superstitious relics who cringe at the thought of Shocksy visiting them on April 1. This includes protective mothball barriers placed outside the doorways and window frames of residences, which are believed to repel the dreaded marauder with their pungent odor. As dismissive caregivers and bereaved families try to allay loved ones fears of their evasive societal burdens by telling them there’s no such thing as Shocksy, hysterical reports of strange men « standing outside » in residential neighborhoods have flooded 911 call centers. Some might argue that these histrionics are just the kind of behavior that creates an ideal « Boy Who Cried Wolf » scenario for if and when the real Shocksy decides to strike.