After being buried for nearly 2,000 years in a secret cave in the Yucatan Peninsula, ancient Mayan texts have been discovered with clues that unlock the mystery of a new apocalyptic prophecy. The extraordinary image of fiery Armageddon led by a winged beast is one of the reasons Mayan historians are clamoring to get their hands on these ancient artifacts. If authentic, this discovery could be known as the preeminent prophecy for the end of days.
Experts have no explanation for the new hieroglyphs
Archaeologists, historians and scientists have been delving into the recently discovered markings to determine what form this destroyer of worlds may take. These images show a creature with long plumage, a fleshy crest on its head, and drooping flaps of skin on either side of what appears to be a pointed beak. But the shell of this farm fowl is twenty times that of an adult human. Ornithologists argue that this may be a characterization of a Gallus Gigantis, or in layman’s terms, « Giant Chicken »
These cryptic warnings from the Maya have raised concerns among those who see a startling parallel to recent scientific breakthroughs in genetic engineering. method of introducing desirable traits into animals,” according to the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. One of these « desirable traits » is more meat. More meat translates into bigger chickens. But how big is too big in the name of profit?
Deep in their underground hideout in Creve Coeur, Missouri, the good folks at Monsanto (a multinational biotechnology agricultural company) have issued a statement denying any guilt as the architects of the world’s doom. “We certainly don’t have a giant chicken in our labs that is the size of a double-wide trailer. That chicken certainly isn’t getting bigger by the day and it certainly isn’t shooting lasers from its eyes that ignite carbon-based materials like kindling. »
Today, descendants of the Maya speak of a mythological creature called « Lord Cluck Cluck ». It is said that on December 21, 2013, the much-prophesied deity will dominate the earth and reign supreme over mankind until the sun burns from the sky. These Yucatan natives have cultivated their own rituals to praise Lord Cluck Cluck, wearing ceremonial headdresses in his likeness.
Cultists in ritual garb.
As the apocalypse approaches, vegetarians rejoice. “Finally people will understand that their carnivorous debauchery has consequences. Lord Cluck Cluck will have mercy on us salad throwers and show those bloodthirsty savages what it feels like to suffer!’ yelled Percy VanWisp when asked for comment outside his local organic food co-op in Portland, Oregon. Meanwhile, carnivores from all over the United States have gathered in Missouri to build a giant rotisserie oven out of an abandoned airplane hanger.
Read further: The final myth: what the rise of apocalyptic thinking tells us about America
